It's not ending.... it's only just beginning....
As I sit on aboard another flight, this time without rackets in hand
(or in stow away)
I find myself weirdly bummed. It may sound crazy considering I'm headed on a 16 day vacation; Florida, Seattle, Hawaii (eek!!!) but really I am bumming. Don’t get me wrong, of course I'm excited, I mean it is Maui for crying out loud but my rackets aren't stuffed in the cabin overhead, I'm not using this “state of suspended time” to get into my “competitive” match play mindset, I'm ordering a glass of wine not chugging liters of water to keep hydrated and I certainly don't have my compression pants on unless you count skinny jeans as skins. I also feel elated that I harbor feelings of disappointment for not being on a flight bound to another tournament.
It feels powerful, rejuvenating, and very new to me.
Rewind a year ago and I was begging for the season to be over, it had felt long and arduous; I needed time off, or so I thought. After losing in the first round of the World Open, having qualified, my rackets were hung up for a month and I didn't so much as bat an eyelid. Inevitably I got hungry to play again and when summer training got back into motion I was ready for it and so things went. But it feels so different now.
I don't want to stop. I don't want to leave my rackets behind. I don't want to stop learning, growing, changing, fighting. This entire season has gifted me opportunities to grow, to learn, to ask more of myself. Squash has asked me to ask more of myself, ask questions and really listen to answers, seek knowledge and council from those who really know, and really to trust that it is in this spirit which light and enjoyment find their way into my journey.
I am blessed to have made connections with people who are experts in their field, who all teach with enthusiasm, empathy, care and absolute knowledge and am so unbelievably blessed to have had the continuing support of US SQUASH who are the reason that I can do what I love.
I was met often with brutal resistance, rewarded undeservedly in experiences
of true battle and got smacked in the face with the knowledge that “I don't know”
is quite rightfully the truth. I had the unreserved faith and support of my friends and family that has always been there but I was too blind to see, and I had my own faith and trust that started creeping its way in offering a little something that could be called confidence. This season has opened my eyes to a different world, squash world yes but also another real world. Why the heck would I want that to end?
I guess the answer to that question is… it's not ending, it's only just beginning….
But, heck, what do I know?